A satirical fashion column by Jessica Marciante, published January 23rd
Welcome back Alpha, I hope you all had a fashionable summer. Time to put away those summer fits and reach for the ponchos and raincoats because as it’s been made very clear the past couple of weeks that climate change is definitely going to kill all of us. It is officially autumn, the superior season. Autumn is the perfect time to bring out those neutral tones and play with layering before the large bulky winter jackets take over and never leave until early spring.
Normally sage green is reserved for the springtime with all the other bright colours. However this autumn, sage green is all the rage. Perhaps it’s the lack of green in the trees that have caused many fashionistas, including myself, to add itin our clothing. One might ask themselves, Won’t I look like a grinch all dressed in sage green from head to toe? And the answer is yes, you will. Styling is the key to creating a sage green look that doesn’t make you look like some uncoordinated store mannequin dressed by an employee working minimum wage. I suggest working with one sage green piece, whether that’s a jacket pulled over the top of an all-black ensemble or textured pants. Perhaps it’s the absence of a real fall or the unprecedented times we are in. Whatever the reason, this unusually bright colour is this season’s go-to.
It is the return to a normal workplace that has the fashion world turning towards more professional, business casual pieces of clothing. This is why blazers and power suits are in high demand. Of course, a good blazer is a closet staple that everyone must keep on hand in case of a dire business-related emergency. When looking for the perfect blazer or power suit, there are some rules that must be followed. First, if you see an oddly patterned blazer, be sure to check to see if it comes as a generously cut, shoulder-padded suit. Many people believe that being decked out head to toe in a big bird patterned suit will make them look silly, but I disagree. I suggest strutting into your science class decked in an all-gingham power suit to really sell that you want to become an intern at a law firm for three years before slowly working your way up the justice system, only to hate yourself by the time you turn 40.